Okay so I missed yesterday’s life lesson post so here is a bit of a makeup post. It’s like a makeup kiss but very possibly more intimate.
Now yesterday was by all means a successful day.
I woke up early with the sun and went to get some exercise in at my Pilates class.
Pilates I find is a lot of fun, and it actually manages to push my unused muscles despite it being slow exercise. I’m the youngest member in my class with everyone else being older than my mother but I have to go. I have to go because this is the exercise that my doctors and physiotherapists said I need to do to help get rid of my chronic lower back pain.
Which as a teenager is a really weird thing to explain to people.
I then got to spend hours on writing and I spent it well. My story high queen has been stuck. I wasn’t sure what to do with it. I kept trying to start it and then not manage to write anything that really works. To me this is important because if I don’t like my own story then why would anyone else?
So I went and I pulled the story planning apart and looked at what it is that was bothering me and I fixed it. Now I’m feeling much more connected to my characters.
Then I went to the main event of yesterday which was a talent contest. I had about a week to prepare and my mum made me a dress.
These are my one entry…
I feel really proud of my performances. In the second one my microphone died because of flat batteries and I feel proud of how I handled that.
Then I finished off my day by going to my small group. I went there and I got to tease my boyfriend a little.
Then I got home, took a bath, and went to bed.
Good day right?
Today we got the results for the contest and well I did not win.
I wasn’t second or even third… I didn’t place among the winners this year (I was second last year)
So now I’m sitting in my room drinking a pity can of coke and hoping that no one who passes my open door notices that my eyes are red with crying. I messaged the news to my friend – she hasn’t responded yet. I haven’t messaged my boyfriend yet because I’m not yet ready for someone to tell me that it’s okay that I didn’t win.
I know that’s not why I participated. I participated because I love singing and my mum loves hearing me sing. I participated because last year was fun. But you know what? I at least hoped that I would place.
I feel like I needed to at least place.
I’m not going pretend that this is the best year of my life and after three months of not managing to achieve anything I really wanted win at something. Singing has been the first thing I’ve truly attempted since hurting my back and I wanted to just break away from this period in my life where I’m stuck.
I considered ranting a bit more about how I feel and share that I think it was unfair to make me compete with grownups. I feel like I could complain how one of the winners just repeated the same act as the previous year while I had to learn a whole new song on short notice. I could be mad at myself for not practicing more but I’m not sure that would have helped anyway.
I’m not going to spill everything that has been leaving me feeling hollow though because if I do that I’ll just be frustrated with myself for not being able to suck it up and get myself going again.
After all I have to take ownership of my life and after three months of complaining I’m really getting tired of my own nonsense.
So that’s it. That’s my makeup post… I know it doesn’t really make up for anything and now I realize I have no idea how to end it off.
I’m just going to stop typing now…